9.06.2000

i will have to assure you, that if i do, indeed, figure out how this thing works, then i will make it look like my diaryland page.
i am not too sure why things are the way they are for me. i know that everything will get better, so here i am, waiting it out. i talked to a bunch of my friends at school today that were not there yesterday. when i inquired why they were not there yesterday i began to fully understand that i was not the only one that had a crappy weekend. two kids had their cars break down on their way back to school (in other states). and another kid's grandmother died. i know that people have it a lot worse than me. i am just a complainer, i guess.
i was supposed to go thrift store shopping with tim tortilla's, but i called over to cody's apartment (where he is staying) and he and cody are going out with someone else. i notified cody that he was an asshole of not calling me back last night. 'oh, i never got the message.' horseshit.
tonight:i do not know, plans broken.
tomorrow: school, shopping with chris.
let me again apologize for this thing looking so plain, i will attempt to fix it (maybe tonight?).

9.05.2000

well shit. i am having a hard time posting on diaryland, and i got tired of that, so i clicked over here and found this. all i wanted to do was post, and i kept getting error messages. i have not realized how attached i have become to writing until today. things were going so well for me, then, as things always do, everything got worse, i am not at rock bottom (i am not dead) but damn, i think that i am close. well, here is my half ass post. i will try to edit it before i actually post it. and, if it starts to work, my recent (what is it called) is over at nine.diaryland.com so, if that where your mouse takes you, then sobeit. here is my post, copied and pasted from word.
i wake up and begin to turn to look at the bright red numbers on my alarm clock, but before i can move close enough to see the time i hear the click and the radio begins to play a familiar song. it is six am. i hate when this type of thing happens(waking up just before the alarm goes off). i listened to the rest of the song and when it was over i felt around for my glasses, (they are never where i leave them) put them on, turned on my light, and reached under my pillow for the remote control. i turned off the little clock radio and turned on the television just in time to see the top local stories. this was all same news from last night. i got out of bed hoping that i would feel a little better than i did before i went to sleep, but i soon realized that my heart was still stuck deep in the bottom of my stomach. i cannot believe cody has had such a deep impact on me. i never thought this would happen. each time i pushed him away i never had any regrets about it, but when i am the one being rejected, it really hurts, for me, there is no going back. i fucked up something good, and now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions.
i thought that luke would be the one to fill the void that cody had left behind, but as soon as i saw him walk up my driveway, i knew that there would not be any old sparks. he lost his chance when he ditched me last summer.
just when i was feeling like a depressed basketcase i picked up my cellphone and noticed that i had three new voicemails. i looked and saw that i missed two calls and one was my brother and the other was one of my friends from school. the other one did not show up. so, i listened to the first one... 'hi tracy, this is chris, i am just trying to figure out how to burn cds on your computer, call me back.' end of message. message two... 'tracy, this is danny--' danny, my friend that moved to north georgia (almost south carolina), to go to school. his voice made some of my pain go away. he mentioned that he sent me an email. here, have a look see... i cut out some stuff.
hey tracy

i was thinking of you today when i was in nutrition class.

last night i had a dream about you. i dreamed that you and i got married. and our wedding was at a barbecue where people were getting drunk. but at the same time you and i were so in love with each other that we didnt care. all we wanted was to be together. kind of weird, but at the same time it was really sweet. when i have a nice dream like that, regardless of how realistic it is, it always makes my day easier bc i am waking up on a posi-note.
i love you
love
danny

i am glad that i have a friend like him.
only 10 more miserable days until i go to boston with aubry. i am pretty excited.
i left a message for cody to call me, no returned call yet. i feel like shit.
i know that i am being stupid, people go through this kind of stuff all of the time, i suppose that the only comfort that i have to hold on to is the fact that people deal with this kind of stuff all the time. i am not alone. i guess that is supposed to help.